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Messages posted since 05/24/2014
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Topic: What do you think?

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 12:33 AM

I'm working out a logline for a completed script; any advise?

What is the destiny a boy, stolen as a newborn child, sold on the black market and raise by lesbians? Nicholas, born dead, awakened by the light of a full moon has been raised pretty well, given the circumstance of him being a night walker. His adopted mother, Kate Trevor fell for his loving stare when she first set eyes on him. But, who are his real parents?

Author: Linda Weiss Posted: 09/19/06 01:50 AM

Is he a vampire? He was born dead? A night walker? It's a bit confusing. You'll have to give us a little more than that to help with a logline.

But it sounds interesting.

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 11:24 AM

Nick is all of those things, but I'll try to trim away the confusion. MTC

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 11:27 AM

How about this?

Logline: What is the destiny a boy, stolen as a newborn child, sold on the black market and raise by lesbians? Nicholas Nefarious, has been raised pretty well, given the circumstance of him being a night walker. His adopted mother, Kate Trevor fell for his loving stare when she first set eyes on him. But, who are his real parents?

Author: Tom Hanada Posted: 09/19/06 03:50 PM

I'm still having a hard time figuring out what the story is about. Am I correct in that there are three main elements to the story:

1. There's a guy who is a vampire who was stolen at birth.

2. There's a woman who fell in love with a child because of his eyes. The child isn't hers and there's something sinister about him.

3. There is a search to find the child's real parents.

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 04:37 PM

Hi Tom,

Thanks for the responce.

Is that what I need in the logline? Because there are more important elements to this story than the ones that I've placed in this logline. The ones there are correct, but not the main elements.

The eyes are hypnotic, as a vampire's eyes would be to a mortal: I think I'll further clarify this.

The real parents are searching for the child. not the other way around.

I sure appreciate any advise.

R

Author: Peter Fraser Posted: 09/19/06 04:51 PM

I don't get it either. Too many blanks. The "logline" form you use is really not a logline, more like the beginning of a synopsis.

A more traditonal logline would read something like:

A vampire stolen at birth. Wait a minute? Do vampires give birth and/or procreate? Let's assume they do - that means we need to see a little of this world for set up.

So maybe something like this.

When a vampire stolen at birth learns his eyes have an hynotic effect on people his fear of his true identity drives him to search for his birth parents.

A effective logline needs to identify the protagonist, the goal and the obstacles he must overcome to attain his goal. Or something like that.

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 05:09 PM

Peter

Nice, but as an infant Nick does not know he has the power, he's a newborn. But I can see how that could have been mis-interpreted. How can I word that to make it more understandable? Hmm. I have a lot to learn, that's for sure.

Thanks

R

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 05:34 PM

How about this?

Logline: When the master of all Vampires spawns a child, during a special experiment, and the child is abducted, all hell breaks loose in the search for the missing infant.

Willing to learn,

R

Author: Peter Fraser Posted: 09/19/06 06:09 PM

Richard,

I get that the infant is a newborn and would not know his power (or would he? - hmm interesting twist).

What you have to do is focus on the main storyline and tell it in one sentence, maybe two. One is better. Don't get yourself tied up in sub-plots, his father etc.

Is the story about Nick's life (quest) journey or is it about someone else? if it's Nick then the logline must tell his story. who he is, what his goal is (is it to find his bithparents, get away from his bitrhparents, bond with his abductors and what obstacles he must overcome to achieve his goal. For example (I don't know the whole story - I'm just throwing something out as an example.)

The only son of the Master of Vampires, stolen at birth must protect his abductors from the wrath of his birth father.

It could be anything but the olgline must provide the three key element in the fewest words possible.

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/19/06 07:41 PM

How's this?

The only son of the Master of Vampires, stolen at birth strives to live his life without drama. If he wasn’t so valuable to so many people he would get that wish.

R

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/20/06 12:48 AM

I don't like the last post, but I can't delete. This one tends to introduce the protagonist and the main element of the story.

Logline: Nicholas Nefarious will discover that he is more than just a Vampire, after a fatal loss takes him on a path to great power, and great pain.

Author: Peter Fraser Posted: 09/20/06 01:34 PM

Richard,

You are still writing in "synopsis" mode. A logline should be written in active present tense.

The name of the protagonist is not important in a logline. Use the words to describe your character. Examples: A self-absorbed vampire; A club-hopping vampire; A reclusive vampire… By doing this you can provide a hint of backstory and a possible internal conflict.

"Will discover"? Discover what?

"a fatal loss takes him on a path to great power, and great pain." … great power? great pain? And that causes what? How do these events effect the protagonist? And how will he respond?

Right now, we don’t know any motivation of the protagonist. So we don’t know how he will react. What makes him tick? What is his external goal? His internal conflict? And how will he attain his external goal and resolve at the same time his internal conflict. When you have determined these, then write a logline about this.

Hope this helps.

Author: Tito Zar Posted: 09/20/06 05:22 PM

I concur.

Describe your protog, the conflict and how the conflict is dealt with/confronted.

When a Fledgling writer discovers he's the offspring of a great vampire, he's faced with the proposition of battling for his human life or accepting his legacy.

Is the character's name actually Nefarious? Wouldn't he go around with the understanding that his name means Infamous by way of being extremely wicked.

If he was adopted maybe part of his discovery, like his birth certificate, is to learn his given name is actually Nefarious. I don't believe anyone in their right mind would walk around with that last name unless they were the lead singer of a Heavy Metal band. It seems staged.

Author: Heather Hughes Posted: 09/20/06 05:54 PM

I like this formula for completing a logline.

(Name of script) is a (genre of the film) about (name of protagonist and a brief description) who must ___________________ or else this terrible thing __________________ will happen.

For example:

Raiders of the Lost Ark is an action adventure about Indiana Jones, an archiologist, who must find the Ark of the Coventant or the world will be destroyed.

This is very plain, but then you can hang other interesting things on it.

Author: Peter Fraser Posted: 09/20/06 06:08 PM

Good stuff, Heather.

Richard,

After posting I thought, Crap, I should have told you to check out the posting on Theme. Then I checked and saw that you had. Barb gives great advice and her post on theme will definetly help you with not only your logline, but your script as well.

Be sure to check out all her posts. They are very helpful and chock full of instructive professional, non-condescending advice.

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/20/06 07:01 PM

Wow! Nice info, will use, thanks everyone. :)

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/20/06 07:02 PM

Wow! Nice info, will use, thanks everyone. :)

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/20/06 07:02 PM

Wow! Nice info, will use, thanks everyone. :)

Author: Richard Franklin Posted: 09/20/06 07:02 PM

Whoops!