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Before I begin sending out this query I would like to get some help from some of you veterans out there. Any suggestions are welcome and will be greatly appreciated.

Dear Agent,

I am seeking representation for my most recent screenplay "The Philly Flash" which has fared well in contests, including a top 10 finish.

Log Line: A group of unpicked misfit Little Leaguers are allowed to form their own team and play against the teams that didn't want them; then wind up winning the league championship against the pompous coach who fought to keep them out of his league.

The script is available in both pdf format by email and hard copy by Priority Mail. Thank you for your consideration, Gregory Woodruff gwspecs@yahoo.com

Hi, Gregory. This looks really good, in my opinion. Story sounds great, too. Good luck! :)

Laqueta

Oh, wait...just add commas before and after, "The Philly Flash", and it's good to go, imo.

Laqueta

Hi Gregory -

Sounds good to me.

Were you able to attend the FadeIn Pitchfest last month in LA? There were several prodcos and some managers and agents there looking for family films and comedies (I'm assuming this is also a comedy or has comedic overtones?)

Larger than Life (Gary Ross' prodco - "Seabiscuit") comes to mind. They were looking for strictly family. I pitched my family drama to them and although the CE loved the pitch, unfortunately they aren't looking for anymore horse movies!

Good luck! :)

...your logline feels long. Gotta snag them quick and fast. Is this one pompous coach coaching all the teams? Do you need to mention the coach at all? How about this? And keep in mind it's a quick re-write just to throw it out there. Feel free to ignore it, I won't be offended... just feel it needs to punch and be unique. That's the key.

Log Line: A group of misfits enter a little league championship to play against the pompous coach that didn't want them on his side.

Please anyone with logline suggestions would help. You can better shape your logline with a few more objective rewrites of your original logline.

hope this helps!

Hi Greg,

First off, you should never state that you are seeking representation. They know why you're contacting them (according to the articles on query writing I've read).

Second, don't just write that it "placed well". Name the contests and where you have placed in them. If they are lesser known contests, then do not include them. Only include national or prominent contests like Nicholl or Screenwriting Expo or Disney Fellowship, etc. Why? Because when agents where asked (again in numerous articles I've read) they could care less otherwise.

Third, you logline needs a little tweeking. "Unpicked misfit" is redundant, just leave it at calling them misfits. Again, "league championship" is redundant, just say championship.

I would chop everything else off after that. The pompous coach bit is interesting, but then where's the mention of their coach that takes them under his/her wing? It would be great if your story involves the pompous coach being the life long nemesis of their coach. However, as I've said, leave out the coach part altogether because it makes the logline too long and usually in these types of films something like that is a given. They can discover that on their own when they request your script.

Leave it off at...

... Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely, Gregory Woodruff

gwspecs@yahoo.com (If you're emailing this I'd leave this out... they'll know your email addy).

Hi Gregory:

To my ear, your log line sounded really good. If you want to keep it, I think you should. Someone mentioned tightening it and punching it up. I guess you could, ever so slightly. -- Robert

This is about as pruned as possible without losing any of your original flavor, plus adding an em dash or double commas supplies punch by accentuating that nasty little coach:

A group of unpicked misfit Little Leaguers form their own team and play against the teams that didn't want them; they wind up winning the league championship -- against the pompous coach who kept them out of the "real" league.

Gregory:

John had some good editing input.

Robert

Thank you to everyone who has pitched in and offered some very helpful suggestions. I was able to trim 7 words off the log line and make some other adjustments with your advice. Please feel free to crituque this new version as well.

Dear Agent,

Please consider reviewing my most recent screenplay, "The Philly Flash", an uplifting story of triumph for the whole family.

Genre: Family/Comedy/Drama Log Line: A group of misfit Little Leaguers form their own team and play against the teams that didn't want them; then wind up winning the championship against the pompous coach who kept them off the real teams.

This script is available in both pdf format by email and hard copy by Priority Mail.

Thank you for your consideration, Gregory Woodruff

That's even better. Double-space between genre and logline. For example:

Genre: Family/Comedy/Drama

Log Line: A group of misfit Little Leaguers...

And you're working with gold (just felt like being corny!) Good job and good luck! :)

Laqueta

Good stuff, I like the 'flow' of the letter now - some great suggestions from a number of people her.

Good luck!!!

Excellent!

I do like this leaner, tighter and brighter logline.

Good luck to you! :)

P.S. I also zoned in on and like that you added "uplifting" as well!

I'd look for a different word than "real." The unpicked kids' team is a real team.

Much better. Looks much more leaner now. I agree with Laquita... double space between the genre and the logline.

Also agree with Terry about this last line... "pompous coach who kept them off the real teams."

How about this instead..."pompous coach who tried keeping them out of the league."

Man you guys are good! I feel like I have a very good query letter now. Thank you so much for all of your help. I'll let you know if I get anywhere with it.

All the best, Gregory

ANATOMY OF AN IRRESISTIBLE QUERY LETTER by: Don Vasicek (credits: Warriors of Virtue, The Crown) The query letter is a marketing tool that can get your script read and you recognized in the highly competitive world of Hollywood. Condensing your 100-plus page script down to a one-page letter exhibits your ability about how good of a writer you are. To have the skill to write a compelling query letter defines who you are as a writer. It must be written just as creatively and professionally as you write your script.

If you are unable to attract readers to your script through your query letter, it is unlikely you will be able to attract anyone to your script. When you are on the firing line in the film business, there isn’t any room for inability to write creatively and succinctly. Either you are able too or you are not able too. And it can no better be illustrated than in your query letter.

So, how do you write a query letter that is irresistible to readers that will impel them to want to read your script? You have to achieve two goals. One, hook readers and reel them through the letter. Two, make the letter so compelling that readers will want to read your script.

Suppose we examine the query letter below. With different content, it was sent to thirty producers, agents and production companies. Twenty-six of them called and requested the script. Part of the structure is from Kerry Cox, former editor of “The Hollywood Scriptwriter”; another part by an unidentified writer and the third part, I wrote. The content is mine.

January 2, 2000 Hollywood Player Hollywood Player Films 111111 Wilshire Boulevard Beverly Hills, CA 90210 Dear Hollywood Player: FIRST SENTENCE: Last night, Generation Y Jenny Black ate a lasagna salad with her mom and little brother; she answered the door bell; went outside and never came back. SECOND SENTENCE: Why? THIRD SENTENCE: It’s a question that Lt. Icabod Poe has to answer fast. FOURTH SENTENCE: The chilling fact is, the more he learns, the more he realizes that she is living two lives...one as a normal daughter and sister, a high school honor student and budding artist; the other as a reclusive teenager who is depressed over her recently murdered dad ...and she is terribly attracted to the moon. FIFTH SENTENCE: And Jenny might be gone forever if Lt. Poe doesn’t come up with a reason soon why she disappeared. SIXTH SENTENCE: DARK MOON JENNY is a suspense thriller with a strong female protagonist, a deeply terrifying antagonist and a series of disturbing surprises that build to an ultimate shocker of an ending. SEVENTH SENTENCE: It is also a story of love, trust, betrayal, courage and redemption and the fine line that separates the normal from the abnormal. EIGHTH SENTENCE: I’d like to submit DARK MOON JENNY for your consideration. NINTH SENTENCE: I’ve been around the block twice with other screenplays. TENTH SENTENCE: Two, STUPID AND STUPIDER and THE GIRL HUNTER, okay, not Sundance or Nicholls’ award winners, were made into movies. ELEVENTH SENTENCE: DARK MOON JENNY was a winner in the “Writer’s Digest” Scripts Competition and a semi-finalist in Chesterfield Film Company’s Writer’s Film Project. TWELFTH SENTENCE: If you would like to read DARK MOON JENNY, you can reach me at 123-456-7890. THIRTEENTH SENTENCE: I look forward to hearing further from you. FOURTEENTH SENTENCE: Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Don Vasicek Now, let’s dissect this letter.

FIRST SENTENCE: By establishing a time in the mind of readers, this makes the story look more immediate and real. When you introduce your main character immediately and tell readers something about them, this hooks readers into your character and story and your query letter to seduce them into wanting to read on. And evil is also implied here, a sure recipie to entice readers to read on.

SECOND SENTENCE: Asking the question, “Why?”, here, and separating it from the first paragraph, makes it stand out and gives readers hope that they will find out more. This will cause them to read on.

THIRD SENTENCE: In this sentence, you put readers on edge with the word, “fast”. It gives them a sense of urgency particularly since you have already gotten them concerned about your main character and they can’t wait to get to the next sentence.

FOURTH SENTENCE: The word “chilling” in this sentence sets up the rest of the sentence. It hooks readers once again and reels them through the sentence. What they see is the heart of the story and character. Jenny Black, a high school junior, seemingly normal, misses her dad and adores the moon. Wouldn’t you want to read on? I’m sure readers Hdo because now they have a stake in Jenny. They know her, they likes her, they see that she has possibly befallen some horrible experience and they want to help her.

The fourth sentence raises questions that they want answered. Why does she like the moon? How does her depression over losing her dad fit in here? Does it have anything to do with why she disappeared and why he was murdered? Is she a female werewolf?

How does Poe know Jenny is lost and not dead? Why does he think she disappeared? Maybe she ran away. Or was spirited away by the moon to communicate with her dad. How can he find a reason why she disappeared?

The more questions you raise in the mind of readers, the more they are going to want to read on. By now, in this query letter, readers are going to finish reading it with interest. So, you don’t want to lose them.

FIFTH SENTENCE: The words, “gone forever” and “soon” give an even greater urgency to Jenny’s dilemma. This ups the stakes and tightens the tension. Readers will want to read on now more than ever because they wants to help Jenny and the only possibility of doing that is by reading on.

SIXTH SENTENCE: By identifying the genre and the gender of the protagonist and one other main character, it gives readers information they can use regarding the marketability of DARK MOON JENNY. It certainly dispels the question as to whether Jenny is a werewolf or not. If she were, the genre would be horror instead of a thriller.

They know that this movie needs a a 30’s actor and a young actress and a thriller audience. The description of the villain gives them an idea that Lt. Poe isn’t only dealing with someone who opposes him in finding Jenny, but also the potential exists that something very bad has happened to her. Utilizing the word, “series”, creates the image that there is even more to the story. And just to top things off, by giving a hint of how the ending is going to be by using the words like “ultimate shocker” and “ending” is just enough to tease them into reading the next sentence.

SEVENTH SENTENCE: This sentence shows that the story is multi-dimensional, dichotomies with love, trust and betrayal and abnormal and normal. It also implies of evil and whets readers’ appetites for more.

EIGHTH SENTENCE: This humble, but confident and professional request increases interest for readers by asking them to see the script.

NINTH AND TENTH SENTENCES: A light approach like this helps readers learn something more about you as a screenwriter and shows them that even though you’re serious about your career, you do have the ability to laugh about it too. These sentences personalize you and helps readers “bond” more with you.

ELEVENTH SENTENCE: This sentence should identify any awards and/or recognition DARK MOON CHRISSY has received. Be creative here. If it hasn’t won any professional recogntion, but your aunt loved it, try to tell readers in a creative way that shows your aunt is as capable of rendering a learned opinion on your script as anyone else. Afterall, wasn’t it screenwriter Willim Goldman who said nobody knows anything in Hollywood?

TWELFTH SENTENCE: This sentence is utilized by sales persons. It calls readers to action. They utilize it to close the deal. You ask readers to call you. This request is simple, to the point and gives readers the opportunity to read the script. The utilization of “you” personalizes the call to action and gives readers a good feeling that perhaps they are special in that you haven’t let anyone else in on your script as yet.

THIRTEENTH SENTENCE: The purpose of this sentence is to inform readers that you think highly enough of them that you want to continue your communication with them.

FOURTEENTH SENTENCE: This sentence is a courtesty that you aren’t imposing on them. It gives readers a feeling of respect and professionalism.

Putting this form of query letter into service cannot quarantee that you will sell your script. It can, however, improve your chances that readers will request your script. And what more can you ask for as you move forward in your screenwriting career? Since the film business is so subjective, it is possible readers might not like your script, but if they are impressed enough with the writing of your query letter and your script, they might ask to see any other scripts you might have and request to see any future ones you write in addition to the possibility of being hired for work-for-hire or a working assignment. What more can you ask for in this business unless you want to direct movies too.

Stay tuned. I’ll be addressing that in a future article.

Oh, by the way, in case you’re still wondering what happened to Jenny, think THE SIXTH SENSE meets THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Does that help?

dvasicek@earthlink.net http://www.donvasicek.com

ANATOMY OF AN IRRESISTIBLE QUERY LETTER by: Don Vasicek (credits: Warriors of Virtue, The Crown) The query letter is a marketing tool that can get your script read and you recognized in the highly competitive world of Hollywood. Condensing your 100-plus page script down to a one-page letter exhibits your ability about how good of a writer you are. To have the skill to write a compelling query letter defines who you are as a writer. It must be written just as creatively and professionally as you write your script.

If you are unable to attract readers to your script through your query letter, it is unlikely you will be able to attract anyone to your script. When you are on the firing line in the film business, there isn’t any room for inability to write creatively and succinctly. Either you are able too or you are not able too. And it can no better be illustrated than in your query letter.

So, how do you write a query letter that is irresistible to readers that will impel them to want to read your script? You have to achieve two goals. One, hook readers and reel them through the letter. Two, make the letter so compelling that readers will want to read your script.

Suppose we examine the query letter below. With different content, it was sent to thirty producers, agents and production companies. Twenty-six of them called and requested the script. Part of the structure is from Kerry Cox, former editor of “The Hollywood Scriptwriter”; another part by an unidentified writer and the third part, I wrote. The content is mine.

January 2, 2000 Hollywood Player Hollywood Player Films 111111 Wilshire Boulevard Beverly Hills, CA 90210 Dear Hollywood Player: FIRST SENTENCE: Last night, Generation Y Jenny Black ate a lasagna salad with her mom and little brother; she answered the door bell; went outside and never came back. SECOND SENTENCE: Why? THIRD SENTENCE: It’s a question that Lt. Icabod Poe has to answer fast. FOURTH SENTENCE: The chilling fact is, the more he learns, the more he realizes that she is living two lives...one as a normal daughter and sister, a high school honor student and budding artist; the other as a reclusive teenager who is depressed over her recently murdered dad ...and she is terribly attracted to the moon. FIFTH SENTENCE: And Jenny might be gone forever if Lt. Poe doesn’t come up with a reason soon why she disappeared. SIXTH SENTENCE: DARK MOON JENNY is a suspense thriller with a strong female protagonist, a deeply terrifying antagonist and a series of disturbing surprises that build to an ultimate shocker of an ending. SEVENTH SENTENCE: It is also a story of love, trust, betrayal, courage and redemption and the fine line that separates the normal from the abnormal. EIGHTH SENTENCE: I’d like to submit DARK MOON JENNY for your consideration. NINTH SENTENCE: I’ve been around the block twice with other screenplays. TENTH SENTENCE: Two, STUPID AND STUPIDER and THE GIRL HUNTER, okay, not Sundance or Nicholls’ award winners, were made into movies. ELEVENTH SENTENCE: DARK MOON JENNY was a winner in the “Writer’s Digest” Scripts Competition and a semi-finalist in Chesterfield Film Company’s Writer’s Film Project. TWELFTH SENTENCE: If you would like to read DARK MOON JENNY, you can reach me at 123-456-7890. THIRTEENTH SENTENCE: I look forward to hearing further from you. FOURTEENTH SENTENCE: Thank you for your time and consideration. Sincerely, Don Vasicek Now, let’s dissect this letter.

FIRST SENTENCE: By establishing a time in the mind of readers, this makes the story look more immediate and real. When you introduce your main character immediately and tell readers something about them, this hooks readers into your character and story and your query letter to seduce them into wanting to read on. And evil is also implied here, a sure recipie to entice readers to read on.

SECOND SENTENCE: Asking the question, “Why?”, here, and separating it from the first paragraph, makes it stand out and gives readers hope that they will find out more. This will cause them to read on.

THIRD SENTENCE: In this sentence, you put readers on edge with the word, “fast”. It gives them a sense of urgency particularly since you have already gotten them concerned about your main character and they can’t wait to get to the next sentence.

FOURTH SENTENCE: The word “chilling” in this sentence sets up the rest of the sentence. It hooks readers once again and reels them through the sentence. What they see is the heart of the story and character. Jenny Black, a high school junior, seemingly normal, misses her dad and adores the moon. Wouldn’t you want to read on? I’m sure readers Hdo because now they have a stake in Jenny. They know her, they likes her, they see that she has possibly befallen some horrible experience and they want to help her.

The fourth sentence raises questions that they want answered. Why does she like the moon? How does her depression over losing her dad fit in here? Does it have anything to do with why she disappeared and why he was murdered? Is she a female werewolf?

How does Poe know Jenny is lost and not dead? Why does he think she disappeared? Maybe she ran away. Or was spirited away by the moon to communicate with her dad. How can he find a reason why she disappeared?

The more questions you raise in the mind of readers, the more they are going to want to read on. By now, in this query letter, readers are going to finish reading it with interest. So, you don’t want to lose them.

FIFTH SENTENCE: The words, “gone forever” and “soon” give an even greater urgency to Jenny’s dilemma. This ups the stakes and tightens the tension. Readers will want to read on now more than ever because they wants to help Jenny and the only possibility of doing that is by reading on.

SIXTH SENTENCE: By identifying the genre and the gender of the protagonist and one other main character, it gives readers information they can use regarding the marketability of DARK MOON JENNY. It certainly dispels the question as to whether Jenny is a werewolf or not. If she were, the genre would be horror instead of a thriller.

They know that this movie needs a a 30’s actor and a young actress and a thriller audience. The description of the villain gives them an idea that Lt. Poe isn’t only dealing with someone who opposes him in finding Jenny, but also the potential exists that something very bad has happened to her. Utilizing the word, “series”, creates the image that there is even more to the story. And just to top things off, by giving a hint of how the ending is going to be by using the words like “ultimate shocker” and “ending” is just enough to tease them into reading the next sentence.

SEVENTH SENTENCE: This sentence shows that the story is multi-dimensional, dichotomies with love, trust and betrayal and abnormal and normal. It also implies of evil and whets readers’ appetites for more.

EIGHTH SENTENCE: This humble, but confident and professional request increases interest for readers by asking them to see the script.

NINTH AND TENTH SENTENCES: A light approach like this helps readers learn something more about you as a screenwriter and shows them that even though you’re serious about your career, you do have the ability to laugh about it too. These sentences personalize you and helps readers “bond” more with you.

ELEVENTH SENTENCE: This sentence should identify any awards and/or recognition DARK MOON CHRISSY has received. Be creative here. If it hasn’t won any professional recogntion, but your aunt loved it, try to tell readers in a creative way that shows your aunt is as capable of rendering a learned opinion on your script as anyone else. Afterall, wasn’t it screenwriter Willim Goldman who said nobody knows anything in Hollywood?

TWELFTH SENTENCE: This sentence is utilized by sales persons. It calls readers to action. They utilize it to close the deal. You ask readers to call you. This request is simple, to the point and gives readers the opportunity to read the script. The utilization of “you” personalizes the call to action and gives readers a good feeling that perhaps they are special in that you haven’t let anyone else in on your script as yet.

THIRTEENTH SENTENCE: The purpose of this sentence is to inform readers that you think highly enough of them that you want to continue your communication with them.

FOURTEENTH SENTENCE: This sentence is a courtesty that you aren’t imposing on them. It gives readers a feeling of respect and professionalism.

Putting this form of query letter into service cannot quarantee that you will sell your script. It can, however, improve your chances that readers will request your script. And what more can you ask for as you move forward in your screenwriting career? Since the film business is so subjective, it is possible readers might not like your script, but if they are impressed enough with the writing of your query letter and your script, they might ask to see any other scripts you might have and request to see any future ones you write in addition to the possibility of being hired for work-for-hire or a working assignment. What more can you ask for in this business unless you want to direct movies too.

Stay tuned. I’ll be addressing that in a future article.

Oh, by the way, in case you’re still wondering what happened to Jenny, think THE SIXTH SENSE meets THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT. Does that help?

dvasicek@earthlink.net http://www.donvasicek.com

Superior post, Don. Great example of affective, audience-targeted writing. Each sentence draws the reader further in, heightens the suspense, yet you never spill the beans. Ya wanna know the story, ya gotta read the screenplay.

When I was graduating from grad school [that clause sucks], Professor Robert Heilman called me into his office and offered to read my query letter for teaching jobs at universities. I handed him a copy, he read it, then said, "I thought you wanted to teach." I was, of course, shattered. He then told me to forget what I wanted, forget the 3-paragraph structure, forget everything I had been taught about writing, and direct every sentence at the reader. Focus on what the reader wants, what will motivate him/her to read the next sentence, and by the end to want to meet me because I would fill a need in that department. I followed his advice and ended up with more interviews than anyone else who was graduating from UW that year. Not because I was the best candidate (far from it), but because I had the best query letter. Resulted in 3 job offers in a tight market. And your query letter is much, much, much, much better than the one I wrote. Different topic, sure, but the same fundamental goal.

Thanks for taking me back to that eye-opening day in the office of a great man of letters who had the magnanimity to share his brilliance with a clueless fool. I carried his lesson with me into the classroom and paid it forward to thousands of Freshman English students.

Terry Frazier

Gregory,

A lot of good suggestions here, and I'd like to add something, if I may. In the logline you refer to the "misfits" who didn't make the teams after the tryouts (I was one of those, too, and went on to hit 33 homers the next year, to their surprise). I'd like to know "why" these misfits made up such a good team, and I surmise it was because of an unusual coach or situation. If it is, please add them to spice up the interest of why the misfits might win the championship. If the coach was an ex-con or a female or a washed up MLB outfielder, I'd love to know that.

Sounds really good. Best of luck with it.

Randy

Gregory,

Some great advice by the others.

For me personally, I would just write:

"Thank you for consideration. I have also included my email adress for futher correspondence".

It would sound more professional.

Then add your name, adress, phone# and email at the end.

If they want to see your script, they'll contact you and tell you the most convenient way to send it.