John Dean has his back to the wall: he's just lost his job, been evicted from his apartment, and his father dies, leaving him as sole support for his poor mother. All he has inherited is an overgrown piece of hill property in the Catskill foothills town of Merrill, NY. He goes to check it out, and lying on the hill imagines his own tombstone: Here Lies John Dean- He Couldn't Get a Damn Break. Eureka! He'll create Heaven-Wise Acres, a wacky cemetery-of the-absurd theme park where people can create their wildest fantasies, and he'll charge admission to visitors as well as collect the usual cemetery fees. His sensible girlfriend Mary Summers tells him he's nuts, and his mother does not like the idea one bit. But Mary's brother Larry, a construction worker, is interested, and in no time they have cleared the property, planted grass and shrubs, and constructed a wrought iron gate. John hires a stone cutter to create his joke tombstone and places an ad in the Wall Street Journal aimed at the New York/New Jersey market 50 miles away with it and the message: “Indulge Your Fantasies in Perpetuity with Your Very Own Memorial at Heaven- Wise Acres. Now taking reservations. Call (845)DIE-HAPY In no time orders start coming in. Dino DiGiarre, a flashy Atlantic City casino owner commissions an elaborately landscaped memorial featuring an enormous bronze roulette wheel mounted on a pedestal: "Where's Dino DiGiarre?- Take a Spin". (it's engraved "Heaven", "Hell", and "Limbo" but rigged to come up "Heaven" every time. "The House always wins," Dino informs his doting wife and kids. New orders come in fast. John expands operations to include a gift shop(where a reluctant Mary has been persuaded to quit her department store job to staff) and goes on to and hosts parties, night-time Zombie Paintball Battles, and even opens a drive in movie on the property featuring weekend Fright Night Flicks (horror flicks) with a discount for customers in costume and a contest with trophies for best costume. But all is not well. Local mortician Bill Miller tells John he is illegally renting space for ashes, and threatens legal action unless he closes down, and a mysterious, sinister coven of witches stages bizarre secretive full-moon rituals on the grounds, progressing to animal sacrifice. John orders Larry to keep night-time vigil but does not report the goings on to Mary or his mother. Mary, who along with former department-store co-worker and best bud Melissa spend their free weekend hours mentoring children from the local orphanage at the town park. When Mary tells John of the disappearance of Mickey O'Roarke, a red-headed ten-year-old- fireplug, from the orphanage. John immediately fears the worst- Larry thought he recognized Vic Emery, a construction worker with a violent nature who had done time at Sing-Sing for assault , at the gatherings, and the police had been called, but nothing could be proved at the time and police do not pursue the matter. Mary demands that John go with her to Emery's shack in the outskirts of town, but it is his turn to keep watch at Heaven-Wise acres, so she goes with Larry. Mickey is indeed a prisoner in the cellar, but the two are viciously attacked by Emery's pit bull before they can get close, and they barely escape with their lives, oblivious to Mickey, as Larry is bitten and wounded by the dog. They retreat to John's house where Mary dresses Larry's wounds as John returns from his fruitless vigil. Larry whips up an alcohol-laced hamburger and raw egg concoction for "FidoFido", Mary grabs a can of Mace, and they plot their return the next night. When they return, Emery is away helping make final preparations for Mickey's ritual sacrifice, but as Larry spreads his concoction around, the pit bull again chases them off, but becomes inebriated eating the stuff and passes out, allowing Larry and Mary back, where they hear Mickey calling for help. Larry kicks the door in, but as they prepare to go, Bowie-knife-wielding Emery appears and attacks. Larry, holding a piece of pipe, blocks the initial thrust but is knocked to the ground where Emery stabs his arm and goes for his neck. Larry stuns him with a left hook, gets on top, but Mary's hand is hit by Emery as she goes to Mace him, instead blinding Larry. Emery, back on top stabs Larry in the side, and is about to finish him off when Mary knocks him cold with the pipe. She desperately calls 9-1-1- but cannot give them an address. Mickey runs out to flag the ambulance. Larry is saved. The coven is rounded up. John decides he has had enough of the funeral business and announces he has received a seven-figure offer from Dino DiGiarre who wants to buy Heaven-Wise Acres and franchise the business. He humbly proposes to Mary who is delighted that she can now have a double wedding with Melissa. Friends, family, and all the orphans attend. They are pelted not just with rice, but marshmallow ghosts and goblins. When they drive away Melissa's car, with window painted "Just Married" trails tin cans, but John's car trails not just tin cans, but a skull, and bones, and his window is painted "Just Buried."