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Messages posted since 08/25/2014

Topic: My Logline ? Three Tickets For One Man !!

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/03/09 02:42 AM

{3 Separate lines in 3 different cities (LONDON,MOSCOW,PARIS) interweave in a strange coincidences.}

Is it short or vague or good ?


Author: Thomas Swan Jr Posted: 09/03/09 08:54 PM

Lose the place names and gives us a little bit more. You're throwing a line to catch a fish so tell us why we should bite

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/03/09 10:23 PM

3 Separate lines, in 3 different cities ,British businessman ,Russian mafia Leader, 6 from different nationalities interweave in a strange coincidences.

is that better ? thanks Thomas !!

Author: Heather Hughes Posted: 09/03/09 10:59 PM

Hi, Ashraf,

It sounds interesting. Is it a thriller?


Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/04/09 04:48 AM


No, Action Comedy

Dialogue in 8 languages (English, French, Greek ,Italian, Russian, Chinese, Indian, Swahili )

Author: Walter Winton Posted: 09/04/09 03:16 PM

Your logline needs to tell us what the actual story is. What are these people going to be doing? What do they want? We need the real basics of what your story is. There's nothing I can visualize with what you've told us.

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/04/09 04:14 PM

3 Separate lines, in 3 different cities ,British businessman escapes from loans problems ,Russian mafia Leader searching a new life , 6 persons from different nationalities interweaves in a strange accident planned by an idiotic genius ..

is it too long ? bad ..good ..still obscure ?

Thanks all..

Author: Heather Hughes Posted: 09/04/09 05:32 PM


The problem with the logline is that it doesn't tell us what the story is about. If you look back at other posts on writing loglines I think you'll see what we're talking about.

A logline is used to interest a producer in your project (or to get an investor interested in giving you money to make you film). A producer would read the logline you've written and probably decide that you don't tell enough about your story to get him interested enough to request the script.

So, in answer to you question your logline isn't good...yet:)

I suggest that you read a book called Save the Cat by Blake Snyder which gives a very clear lesson on how to write a log line.


Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/04/09 08:04 PM


Thanks for your clarification

i know the book .

i,m asking about the MAX limit of the logline

i don,t want to tell the story

anther q?

My script is 250 pages ?

is there a chance ?

Thanks Ashraf

Author: Thomas Swan Jr Posted: 09/04/09 10:33 PM

250 pages? You're kidding, right? As for the logline, it's not interesting enough. Lure the reader.

Author: Thomas Swan Jr Posted: 09/04/09 10:34 PM

Ideally a logline is a couple lines. Not much to work with but them's the rules.

Author: Irin Evers Posted: 09/04/09 10:36 PM

Heather's right. Yours is more like a tagline: "In space no one can hear you scream." It's catchy but it's for the movie poster, not submissions. Right now, I have no idea what your script is about so I woudln't request it. And that's what the logline is for.

250 pages? I don't know anyone who will read that. Is it a trilogy?

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/05/09 02:45 AM

hi all and THANKS

i put a description for every location .. i write the inner feelings for the characters ..

this really take a lot of papers .. and time

but as a story i can tell in 120 min

i,m working on the logline

it seems to be lockline now !!

THANKS again


Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/05/09 03:03 AM

An interweaves and intersections between 3 Separate lines, in 3 different cities ,British businessman escapes from loans problems ,Russian mafia Leader searching a new life , 6 persons from different nationalities escapes from idiotic genius , finally we know how could be three tickets for one man.

any comments ?

Author: Irin Evers Posted: 09/05/09 12:00 PM

I'll just give you a quick answer, but basically when you write the inner thoughts, you're NOT writing a screenplay. The screenplay format (by definition) doesn't have character (or author) thoughts, only what can be seen or heard on the screen. It seems like you're trying to write a novel instead. The screenplay is just the blueprint of what will be shot for the film, nothing else.

You also said that the story can be told in 120 minutes. If so, then you need to take out the inner thoughts and tell it in 120 minutes (pages). That's the only screenplay someone will look at, not a 250 page one with thoughts.

But essentially, you've touched on the difficulty (and fun) of writing in the screenplay format. As a writer, you have to figure out ways to get the inner thoughts on the screen. If a guy is constantly pining over his ex-girlfriend, just writing his inner thoughts on the screenplay ("John thinks about his ex-girlfriend"), doesn't get that on the screen, so the audience has no idea that he's thinking about his ex-girlfriend. He could pull out a picture of his ex-girlfriend and stare at it every two pages, but that would be very cliche and obvious. So how do you show it? That's the difficulty and skill of writing screenplays.

The director, actors, set designer, DP, composer, etc. also all have to take the inner thoughts that they see in the scripts (of the characters and the themes) and bring those out in subtle ways were the audience will get it - and that's some of the difficulty of their jobs too.

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/06/09 05:07 AM

Irin ,Thomas

you really honest advisor

i thouth if i right every simple thing on my script that would be useful and a power point in my work

i,m confused now.. get caught between what i right and what i don,t right.. i study many famous scripts ..

i right novels ,and i know the deference between them

i love doing my work 100%

i,ll read your statements again and again .


Author: Irin Evers Posted: 09/06/09 01:04 PM

No problem.

You can find lots of scripts online at Drew's Script-O-Rama: Click on "film scripts" on the left side and then they're listed alphabetically.

Author: Cat Bistransin Posted: 09/08/09 01:10 AM

Using so many languages is not a good idea. Readers want a story, not a Rosetta lesson.

Author: Patrick Daly Posted: 09/08/09 06:22 PM

I don't know, Cat. In Inglorious Basterds, Tarantino managed to pull off having characters speak French, English, Italian, and German. Then again, he's Tarantino, and he can do whatever he wants.

Author: Ashraf Edris Posted: 09/09/09 05:47 PM

thanks, when using slangs and idioms on original langues ,subtitle will but you on the right mood

imagine CHINESE man want to say shit

if you hear it shit it,s ok,but if you hear it ding

it will be better

I think