A Limey in La La Land - One Writer's Gurney, Park VI

by Michael Donald

(Part VI. Missed part V? Check it out!)

INT. HOTEL - COOL RECEPTION DESK - NEXT MORNING

It was time to leave the Long Beach Film Festival for the giddy delights of Hollywood and LA LA Land - but first I had to settle the little matter of my ridiculous phone bill.

I'd spend a few useful hours the night before on the Internet cruising through the dark portals of Californian law, FCC legalise and the intricacies of Federal law. And now, in the harsh morning light, I prepared for a shout out at the no way is this okay corral.

Having been presented with a one-hundred and ninety dollar bill for my twenty minute call to England, I had decided to make a stand&it wasn't about the money, but rather the principle of being fleeced that had stirred me to research them into the ground.

I slid over to the receptionist and asked if I could see the manager&a few moments later he arrived. I made my play, casually flipped open my notebook and hit him with my research. I told him I couldn't be charged for phone calls unless I had approved of such charges, and I also couldn't be charged for phone calls unless I had been informed of said charges&his eyes narrowed.

Then I told him that the FCC clearly states that he must post the carrier details in my room. I suggested that as he was in violation of at least three federal laws that it might be in his best interest to think about this, and get back to me when he'd had some time to reflect. I then headed for my final burrito themed breakfast to await developments. Fifteen minutes later he informed me that all charges had been waived. I was one hundred and ninety dollars better off as I sipped my coffee and prepared for my trip to L.A.

I said goodbye to fellow contestants, astrologer and writer, Phillip and his wife and daughter, Actor, Writer Marwan, the overall winner, and packed my things for the journey.

INT. PLUCKY HYUNDAI - TRAVELLING - DAY

I headed away from Long Beach as fast as my plucky Hyundai would take me - the sat nav relentlessly suggesting sudden opportunities to meet interesting trucks and wide open spaces but I kept my eyes fixed on the smoggy horizon that led to L.A and Hollywood. As I approached the towering concrete and glass city ahead of me, I became aware of how worn out the freeways looked in the cold light of day&nothing like the glossy view I'd previously been treated to in the hundreds of movies I'd sat through.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD - DAY

I passed all sorts of signs that rang movie memory bells as I wended my way to my friend's house up in the hills below the fabled sign that once proclaimed HOLLYWOOD LAND. I'd driven down Sunset Boulevard, and along Hollywood Boulevard - past the famous Grauman's Chinese Theatre and the Kodak theatre where I'd seen many a star filled Oscar ceremony. What was really weird was that if you headed down Hollywood Blvd away from the theatres there were dozens of shops selling sex themed outfits, tattoo parlours and smoking paraphernalia. As I never saw anyone actually buying any of these outfits I can only assume that the customers, rather like cockroaches must come out in their thousands as soon as it got dark.

EXT. THE HILLS - NIGHT

I arrived at my friend's house after a few minor disagreements with Ms Sat Nav and was greeted by my friend and his wife and their assorted mix of feline entertainers and coyote survivors, Kole, Niles Rene and Burbank. All of them had a tale to tell and it soon seemed that life in the hills was no casual thing for the fur and claw set. My friend Andy had left England to seek his fortune as a Steadi-cam operator and had worked on many high-powered productions including the famous opening scene of Boogie Nights.

We swapped war stories as film people do, and I was soon apprised of the ways of LA LA Land. It seemed that Black Holes weren't the only thing in the universe that was capable of swallowing matter and never letting it go. It was normal practice for agents, managers and producers to absorb scripts at the speed of light and for them to never be heard of again! As well as their ability to bend light and truth, they were also able to view time as a construct that not only didn't apply to them, but also was continuously variable.

I had had some experience of their lethargy after trying to contact a number of enthusiastic managers and agents who had requested my script LOUISIANA BLOOD. One of the rules of engagement seemed to be that no one in L.A likes to say yes&or no. The space between those two words, rather like a black hole seemed infinite. I went to bed early that night - the next day I had a meet with my first Hollywood producer.

EXT. VAN NUYS BLVD - DAY

I was speeding on my way to meet my potential producer Kerry David, previously she knocked around with Tom Cruise and Nicola Kidman on such films as Mission Impossible, and Eyes Wide Shut and had then started her own company and been a producer on Cody Banks I and II. I had recently won her 2010 Indie screenplay competition in two categories - Thriller, with Shadow Trade and Animation with Rose's War, I later learned that I had narrowly beaten my other script Louisiana Blood in the thriller section!

One of the prizes for the winner was an option to have Kerry produce their winning script, and it was the reason for our meet. Kerry was punctual and pleasant, a rarity in Hollywood - the reason became obvious as we chatted. Kerry was originally from Lincolnshire, England, and thus suffered from an inherent ability to tell the time. We chatted and got on famously and I made the decision to sign a non-exclusive deal with her to produce.

This arrangement meant that I was still able to shop my script around as long as I kept Kerry informed. Like all decisions involving producers one goes on a gut feeling, and on this occasion it was that, combined with the fact that she had a picture of her dogs on her mobile that swung the deal. She promised to get my script to an impressive number of production companies such as Warner Bros, Spyglass and Jerry Bruckheimer&all the companies that didn't inhabit speed dial on my Blackberry. What did I have to lose?

EXT. L.A - DAY

True to her word Kerry had set up some meetings with movers and shakers. My first meet was with the legendary production company The Bubble Factory - you haven't heard of them? Me neither, but a quick sniff at Imdb brought me up to speed, Flipper, Slappy and the Stinkers and Made in Brooklyn, an old school company. I arrived at their impressive head quarters and was ushered into the underground car park. I idled past a Maseratti, a Ferrari, Porsche and a Bentley to be greeted by the parking valet. He took the keys of my plucky Hyundai and parked it ten feet away from where I had arrived. He looked at me solemnly, and announced that there was no charge - he spoke with a reverence and a sincerity that made me believe that free parking was something on a par with turning lead into gold in L.A - he was right.

INT. BUBBLE FACTORY - DAY

The lift hummed upwards carrying me and my dreams into the home of the bubble maestros. A young assistant with film star good looks and the legend ROCK STAR on his business card met me. I was to discover that everyone aspired to be something else in Hollywood, no surprise, even Bruce Willis released The return of Bruno, while both Telly Savalas, William Shatner and Robert Downey Jnr all released records to mixed reviews. I started to wonder if I should invent some sort of interesting hyphenate to spice up my business card - Michael Donald, Writer/Crocodile wrestler or maybe Michael Donald Screenwriter/Assassin?

I sat down in the office and the ebullient figure of Jonathan Sheinberg, CEO of the mighty Bubble Factory, burst in. We chatted, we joked we got on like a house on fire. In fact we got on so well Jon pitched an idea for a financial thriller he needed writing. As I'd won Kerry's contest with Shadow Trade, a financial thriller it seemed a match made in heaven - they showed me out wreathed in smiles and promised to be in touch as soon as they'd read my script. It looked like Hollywood was wide open. I felt like making that snickering sound that Flipper was famous for but thought I might be seen as frivolous. I shot down the freeway headed for the Hollywood hills and making sure to keep my voracious phone credit topped up - well you never know. Tomorrow I had a meeting with a development executive at Dreamworks, as Buzz would say to infinity and beyond! I was soon to discover that it was patience that needed to be infinite when it came to my dealings in L.A!

Updated: 12/02/2010